wrote this along time ago, I like the second one the best. any comments or critiques welcome. CL
The Blue Rose Midnight
I.
in the
blue rose midnight
lightning flashes;
two seconds
away from death.
stranded on the desert
away from
the island
full of rain
just over the hill,
in the distance
i see the
blue rose midnight.
II.
his coat shimmers
in the
blue rose midnight
warding off
the Red Laces’ lusting eyes.
his heart waits
closetted in,
in the blue rose midnight.
letting raw emotion heal.
in the dark, the
gin and tonic
goes down nicely
in the
blue rose midnight.
not like happier days
when liquor
would have burned,
this gin,
this tonic,
this feeling,
is much preferred
than the ache of
the blue rose midnight.
III.
she stands
in the blue rose midnight
serenading herself
with the lover’s tunes of the white knight
that has yet to
find her
in the castle built for two
passed the dark woods
passed the evil witch
who really doesn’t
feed children
to dogs
or
lock them in cages --
she just likes to watch
the fear
melt their eagerness
she stands in the
blue rose midnight,
dreaming of the
white knight
and his stead’s sheen shining
white in the sun,
blinding his enemies with
valor,
love,
pride,
strenght,
compassion,
clemency,
chivalry,
all qualities of a good white knight
he is her Galahad
Swathed in almond richness
and she is the golden chalice
that
he drinks his imortality from
she watches him
silhoutted in
the blue midnight
and watches him
brave the woods
trick the witch
and find her
castle built for two
even when reality
masks her loyalty
she keeps serenading herself in the
blue midnight
with sounds of love
from parted lips
though
she keeps believing
he never comes
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This has lots of charm to it. Just two suggestions: try to shorten the list of qualities of the knight just a bit to give each more meaning. Also try to slightly change he format of your lines (at points the poem becomes slightly confusing to read.) Other than that, good job.
I really loved this, it was just so beautiful. I felt like I was in a fairytale...I especially liked the third one.
Oh wow! That was so pretty. I'm sorry but I can't come up with any constructive critiquing besides...well done!